How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
ttyl tear gas
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
