Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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