Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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