Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
