you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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