Cold hands, warm shart.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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