Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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