I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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