Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
