i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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