Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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