we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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