i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
