Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I forget how to act sober
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
