I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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