whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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