That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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