I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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