What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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