I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
