A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
