Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is Oprah even human
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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