apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
