she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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