I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
