I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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