So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
