Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
