I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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