Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
