I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
