I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we're chasing vodka with high fives
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
