i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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