So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
