If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
