new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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