Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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