So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
