Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
