i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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