it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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