I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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