I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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