The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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