I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
