I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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