just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
