I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
