i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
