I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
