and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
