On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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