i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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