the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
