Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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