five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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