There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
