My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
