Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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