So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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