Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Vodka?
Forever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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