i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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